The Woman In White
by Gabriel Seraph
Summary: Before the events of "The End," the Quagmires and party were taken by the Great Unknown. Now, read the untold story of where the Unknown took them, and the purposes of the mysterious woman who did so. Part 1 of the Quagmire Missions Trilogy. Moderate violence. Look for brief crossovers with other universes.
1. Chapter 1

AN: This is another new story that ultimately will blend into Marceline's Odyssey and Dipper's Mirror. Man, I'm really creating a whole new world of Massively Multiplayer Crossovers, aren't I?

Science? I don't need no stinking science! Sanity-free storytelling, that's the order of the day from me!

R&R and enjoy!

The Woman In White

Chapter 1

"Violet!" Quigley Quagmire cried out, fighting to break free of the thing that had a hold on him. He couldn't see whatever it was in the dark, but it had some kind of strong tentacle that seemingly just couldn't be broken no matter how hard the struggled. To the side, Kit Snicket begged everyone to follow her onto the cuboid raft of books she was still hurrying to assemble, but only the Incredibly Deadly Viper could join her. Everyone else was caught in the tentacles - or perhaps arms - of the Great Unknown.

There was nothing for it. Quigley, and the other seven people still in the water, gave up in their attempts to free themselves and let the Great Unknown drag them all under the water. Quigley feared they would all drown, but within seconds, directly in front of each of them, small holes opened up on the sides of the giant question-mark-shaped monstrosity, releasing enormous bubbles of some kind that settled on all their shoulders. Realizing the bubbles were full of air, everyone breathed deeply, savoring the precious stuff so they could stay alive for as long as the creature kept them alive.

Quigley had heard of this dreaded thing from Kit Snicket. Nobody knew precisely what it was, whether a submarine or a sea monster. Perhaps that was why it was known only as "the Great Unknown." As the thing dragged them all through the water, down deep, Quigley took a moment to examine it. In the darkness, he couldn't get a good glimpse of it, but he saw enough to judge for himself that it seemed to be a curious mixture of both. Feeling the tentacle-arm-whatever wrapped around him, he even concluded that it was made of metal wrapped in some sort of biological material. The thought of such a thing disturbed him, and he let go of the tentacle quickly.

An hour of the Great Unknown undulating through the ocean finally ended in it depositing its seven passengers in some kind of bunker concealed in a tall wall of rock. The large metal door slid down over the entrance once everything was inside, and the water immediately drained from the room, causing the Great Unknown to collapse and curl up in a ball to one side, while the air bubbles around everyone's heads popped and they fell a couple of feet to the stone floor, surprisingly dry considering their damp journey.

"Please approach the door, new arrivals," said a flat voice over an intercom speaker in the ceiling. None of them could tell if the voice was robotic or human; it was hardly organic enough for the latter and barely mechanical enough for the former. Unsure of what else they could do, the eight volunteers walked to the other end of the room, where another big metal door opened onto a smaller chamber, with a number of black goggles dangling from hooks overhead.

"Take the goggles and put them on," the voice commanded. "Failure to do so may result in permanent blindness."

If not for the urgency of the situation, the eight may very well have been reduced to fits of giggling by the comically serious orders given by the strange voice. Instead, they complied, and instantly a flash of light seared across the room. Even with the goggles on, the light was extremely bright, and more than one volunteer screwed their eyes shut instinctively.

"Decontamination complete," announced the voice. "You may remove the goggles." Once this was done, the door opened and a medium-sized man in a gray uniform entered. "Welcome, new arrivals," he said. "Her Grace is expecting you." With militaristic precision, he made a one-hundred-and-eighty-degree turn and walked stiffly down the hallway beyond. The eight volunteers followed, noticing a number of similarly-uniformed people entering and exiting the hallway. Everybody had the same gray suit, with star-shaped symbols on the shoulders. Presumably this was some kind of ranking system, because as soon as someone saw someone else with more stars, they snapped into a salute. Everyone saluted the volunteers' escort as he passed, because he had six stars on each shoulder, more than anyone else in the place.

Finally, they came to the end of the hallway and entered a long room with a black table, like some kind of conference room. At the head of the table sat a beautiful woman, dressed in a white coat with gray fur lining, with short blonde hair, wide blue eyes that looked like sea glass chips, high cheekbones, and lush full lips so dark they almost appeared black. She sipped delicately from a champagne flute, except her beverage of choice was not champagne, but rather a fizzy silvery-white liquid.

The man bowed to the woman. "Your Grace, the new arrivals."

"Excellent," the woman said in a soft but imperious voice. Her lips moved silently before she added, "Eight cans of Fresca, please. And make sure to use the fine crystal." She tapped an ice-blue diamond ring against the rim of her own glass, allowing the bell-clear tone to resonate throughout the room. She then gestured to the eight volunteers. "Sit, please, everyone."

Quigley, along with everyone else, was itching to know exactly what was going on, but the woman waited until everyone was seated before she started answering the unasked questions floating about the room. "My name is Renata diLustro...but you probably know me better as the Duchess of Winnipeg. Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Wait a second," said Fiona's stepfather. "You're not Madame diLustro. I've been to her dinner parties, and-"

The Duchess raised her hand to silence the Captain while she sipped her Fresca. "That is because the woman you refer to as Madame diLustro is my mother. A very great chef, I agree. If you want proof, here it is." She pulled a carefully folded photograph out of her pocket and passed it around the table. Fernald took it first, followed by Fiona. She saw five people in the photo. Three in their teens, and two adults, presumably their parents. The girl in the front was obviously the Duchess, as evidenced by the dark lips and light hair. Behind her stood another girl, almost identical but with dark hair and light lips, and a very short boy with frizzy dark hair and a neatly pressed gray suit, almost a perfect match to the ones worn by the crew in this facility. Behind these stood the parents, a dark father and a glacially fair mother.

"Oh," said the Captain as he saw the photo and passed it down to Phil. "So that was your mother. Well, then how come we've never seen you?"

"We diLustro children have always been encouraged to go our own ways," said the Duchess. "Quirina, my sister, may also be familiar to you. You know her as the woman with hair but no beard. As for our brother, Piemontehkxibalba-" she pronounced this with a series of awful guttural coughing noises in the middle - "he is quite the successful businessman. Kills trees for a living and hides behind a cloud of smoke all day. He doesn't even tell people his real name, not even his business partner." Renata snorted derisively. "Some partner he must be."

"But you still haven't told us what we're doing here," said Fiona. She took a sip of Fresca herself and was pleasantly surprised by the odd combination of sour and sweet flavors.

"Ah yes," said the Duchess. "That will come in good time. For now, suffice it to say, I run the last great V.F.D. outpost on this planet." When everyone stared back at her in shock, she went on, "Don't look so surprised. The villains are growing more powerful every day, and the volunteers are losing ground at the same pace. It is growing extremely difficult to combat the villains now. The sugar bowl is useless as long as Quirina and her awful husband remain on the High Court, and the Medusoid Mycelium is far too volatile to use reliably. But I have access to the one thing that can keep villains from controlling the world completely. That is the craft that carried you to my facility."

"But if it's a V.F.D. craft," Duncan said slowly, "then why don't we know about it? Everyone's afraid of the Great Unknown, volunteer, villain or otherwise."

"I can't exactly tell every card-carrying volunteer about our secret weapon," Renata said. Fiona was sure she wasn't the only one growing tired of the woman's peculiar whisper-shout voice, which combined with her cultured, upper-crust accent, made her sound like she was looking down on them at all times. "After all, one can never guess when said volunteers may unexpectedly switch sides." At this point, she served Fernald, then Fiona, sharp glares.

"Excuse me," said Fernald. "But we betrayed Count Olaf, both of us."

"And yet, remind me, who set fire to Anwhistle Aquatics?" Fernald shut his mouth as the Duchess reminded him of his previous grievous error. "That's right. I hope you two will forgive me, but you will have to work harder to gain my trust than the others. I must say, I wish the Baudelaire children were here right now. They have more than proven themselves invaluable to our cause."

"Do you know where they are?" asked Isadora.

Renata finished her Fresca and pushed the glass forward, signaling the gray-suited man to collect it and take it away. "Our last intelligence traces them to Agnus Dei Island. They will be safe there, for now. But the second they leave, I will send the _Langostino_ to fetch them and bring them here. Worry not, they will soon have a chance to sail away from the island. And if Ishmael is still there, I can't imagine they would want to stay very long." She paused. "But that's not important now. Our real order of business is that you will all be performing secret missions for us, to ensure that the villains lose their grasp on the world."

"Sounds wonderful," said Phil.

"But these are going to be very dangerous missions," said Renata. "And Fiona, Fernald, Duncan, I already have one for the two of you to start off with. It is actually better off as a two-person mission, but you two do have a lot of work to do here, and Duncan, I understand this one would be right up your alley. After all, you have had much less practice with your chosen skill than some of your compatriots." She paused to let it sink in before continuing.

"Children," said the Duchess, "your mission is to permanently close down the offices of _The Daily Punctilio_."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Duncan tried to look everywhere except his Fresca glass, hoping he could get rid of the sudden case of dry mouth he'd been struck with upon hearing Duchess Renata's pronouncement. "You said this one would be up my alley," he said slowly. "Are you saying that just because it involves a newspaper?"

"Yes," said the Duchess. "To be fair, though, I would hardly call the _Daily Punctilio_ a proper example of journalism. It's amazing, really, when you see the sort of lies that people will believe when they see it in print, regardless of however accurate - or, more accurately, inaccurate - it may be." She sat back and steepled her fingers. "You probably may not know this, but the motto for the _Daily Punctilio_ is 'All the News in Fits of Print.' Well, if you'll pardon my horrible attempt at humor, your mission is to cause them the biggest fit of print the world has ever known."

Fernald frowned. "Are you saying you want us to firebomb the place?"

"Bomb, yes," said Renata, "but not with fire. That's obviously not our job. Again, Fernald, need I remind you that I specifically put you on this mission to hasten your recovery of your good standing with me?" She sighed and turned to the other side of the table. "Quigley, you will be accompanying Phillip and William on another mission," she said, and it took everyone else a moment to realize that she was speaking about Phil and Captain Widdershins. "Your mission is to go undercover inside Cafe Salmonella and inject the dead fish with a serum that causes their flesh to decompose, and very rapidly, I might add. I sincerely hope you're not there when the serum takes effect, because I've smelt it myself, and it is not a stench you would soon forget."

Quigley, Phil, and the Captain nodded solemnly. They - but especially Widdershins - knew how devastating it had been to lose the V.F.D. salmon to that villainous eatery, and it only seemed just to remove the source of their livelihood as well. It was a revenge-driven mission, to be true, but it was a surprisingly noble one.

Renata then turned to Isadora. "You and Hector will get the third mission," she said. "Go to the High Court building and plant this in the secretary's office." She reached into her white purse, which was sitting at her feet, and pulled a small ceramic object out of it. "The sugar bowl. I'm sure you've been looking for it for quite a while. In any case, make sure it gets to the secretary - and only to this specific secretary," she added, handing the sugar bowl to Isadora and a photo of a young brunette woman to Hector. The woman's photo was captioned with her name: "Ramona Quimby."

"I think that's all you need to know," said the Duchess. "Wait, hold on a second, I think I'm forgetting something...oh yes, I forgot to tell you where you should all gather once your missions are complete." She produced another photo from her purse, this one of a tall skyscraper. "667 Dark Avenue," she said, just in case none of the volunteers present had ever heard of or seen this ridiculously tall apartment building. "I have rented out the penthouse, the previous owners of which have gone...er...missing. I believe they may have died in the hotel fire."

"What hotel fire?" asked Duncan. "Not the Hotel Denouement?"

"I'm afraid so," said the Duchess. "But that's neither here nor there right now. Everyone, you have your tasks. Remember to meet afterwards at the penthouse of 667. There you will be given your next missions. Everything clear?" Everyone nodded yes. "Good luck, then," said Renata. "And always remember, 'The World Is Quiet Here.'" She stood up, signaling the other volunteers to follow her lead, and led them out of the conference room and back to the room where the Great Unknown - or, as the Duchess called it, the _Langostino_ - sat waiting to take its passengers back up to the surface.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The _Langostino_ surfaced near Briny Beach well after dark, and waited until each and every passenger was safely on dry land before disappearing into the water gracefully. Duncan and Quigley exchanged glances, and Duncan whispered, "Am I crazy, or did that thing just wink?"

"I do believe you're right," said Quigley.

Isadora shuddered. "How creepy. Okay, who's got the mission instructions?" Hector pulled the slip of paper out of his pocket, and he and Isadora bent down to read it together under the light of the nearest lamppost. Quigley, Phil and Captain Widdershins stepped in to take their turn next, followed by Duncan, Fernald, and Fiona.

"Does anyone else think it's strange that it just says to meet at the 667 Dark Avenue penthouse afterwards?" asked Fiona. "The Duchess isn't gonna try and keep us going on missions forever, is she?"

"What makes you say that?" asked Fernald.

"You know, she very well might," said Captain Widdershins. "Who knows with this woman? Aye!"

Hector frowned down at his instructions again. "And they're really strange missions too, for starters," he said. "I think if any of us succeed, it'll be just a really big coincidence. Maybe Renata's just arranging things for us to do well."

"That wouldn't be so bad, would it?" Phil asked. "Wouldn't you want to carry out an easy task too?"

"And in any case, am I the only one who thinks we should try and find out where Kit went?" Duncan asked.

"Or the Baudelaires?" asked Isadora.

"Exactly," said Quigley. "Whatever happened to them anyway? Renata sounds like she might know, but I don't exactly think she'd be open with the information."

Fernald shook his head. "Whatever. I just wanna get this over with first. Then we can start questioning the trustworthiness of the Duchess, okay?"

"If you say so," said Fiona. "Come on, Duncan. Let's just go. Besides, I've always wanted to put the _Daily Punctilio_ out of business."

"That's the spirit," said Phil. "And the same goes for me and Cafe Salmonella. Aye!" He turned to Captain Widdershins, who started before responding "Aye!" as well.

"I suppose you're all right," said Hector. "And bringing the sugar bowl to a well-placed volunteer? Who wouldn't want to bring down those awful villainous judges?"

The Quagmire triplets all sighed. "I guess you're right," Isadora said. "Let's go, then."

"Good luck, everyone!" said Quigley.

"Same to you," said Duncan. "See you on Dark Avenue!"

All eight volunteers split into their three separate parties and set off for their mysterious destinations, still wondering if these missions would succeed or not. But everyone simply had no choice but to hope for the best and fear for the worst.


End file.
